Why is it so powerful? There are three reasons.

Leadership. Morrison is in charge. He owns the problem. This is about US, WE’VE got people doing US damage. Weak leaders reach for the ‘bad apple’ defence, or distance themselves from the wrongdoing. Not this one. He’s telling his forces that we all know what’s been happening and every one us is shamed by it. A military leader speaking against the men under his command is startling.

Clarity. He looks straight at us. It’s a minute before he blinks. He is uncompromising, the words and sentences are short, the language blunt.
“I will be ruthless in ridding the army of people who cannot live up to its values…
If you’re not up to it, find something else to do with your life. There is no place for you amongst this band of brothers and sisters.”

Conviction. Morrison is furious, as his tight jaw,  unflinching gaze, and  pressured inflection tell us. Nothing beats authenticity. This is intense, he means what he’s saying.

But there’s more to his genius.  Morrison says directly to  the infractors “If that does not suit you then get out”,  but in a way that allows the good ones to feel they’re with him, on side.

At the same time, he reminds those good people they don’t get away with this either: ”Every one of us is responsible for the culture and reputation of our army…If you become aware… show moral courage and take a stand against it… The standard you walk past is the standard you accept”.

Finally, he  connects with what the Army is, what it stands for.  The modern, new, army that includes women who have “proven themselves worthy of the best traditions…. “

By the time he  closes there’s no place left to hide. He’s talking to everyone, and if you’re not with him, you’re not Army.  ”If we care about the legacy left to us… then it is up to US to make a difference. If you’re not up to it … there is no place for you…” .

Truly, an impressive speech.

Here is General Morrison discussing the issue on Lateline last night.

Related articles

• Army shamed by sex videos scandal (theage.com.au)
• Defence Force email scandal: three stood down, around 100 to be investigated (3aw.com.au)
• Show moral courage troops: General (news.theage.com.au)
• The unlikely hero (smh.com.au)

People will pay attention for their reasons – not yours. That said however  it’s equally important to decide how you want to come across, from their point of view. Your style should suit the occasion but must also be a ‘true you’. You should be real. Authenticity is most important in convincing an audience to go along with you.

People have great bulls***t detectors so don’t bother with it.  Just be aware which of your natural attributes is going to work best in your situation. You may choose to be ‘authoritative’, or ‘appealing’, ‘intelligent’, ‘friendly’, ‘reliable’ – and so on. If you are the life of any party feel free to be amusing and ebullient. If you are thoughtful and introspective, by all means reveal this in what you say and how you speak. If you are everybody’s pal, popular and a team player, let that show.

Introvert/Extrovert – who cares?

It can be very helpful to understand where you sit on the introvert/extrovert scale, as it explains a lot about your preferred operating style, and the way others perceive you.

There is a lot written about this, and you can get a detailed analysis if you do a Myers-Briggs test.  More recently  Susan Cain’s best seller “Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World that Never Stops Talking”  and her hugely popular TED talk has opened this issue up for discussion.

Introverts tend to think before they speak, and  like  solitude. They feel energized when focusing deeply on a subject or activity. They have an active inner life, and are at their best when they tap into its riches. They need time to think, contemplate and deal with ‘stuff’ alone.  They think before they speak. If you own a two seater car and would  unscrew and remove the other  seat  if you could, you are an introvert.

Extroverts love social life, and are ‘up’ when  interacting with friends and strangers. They are assertive, go-getting, and able to seize the day. They’re great at thinking on their feet, and often are relatively comfortable with conflict. They tend to talk in order to think, and are at their best when engaged with the world and tapping into its energy.

Being insensitive to these differences causes a lot of unnecessary conflict,  tension and  miscommunication.

If you are an extravert dealing with introverts you may  be frustrated by their lack of feedback and wonder just how hard you have to tap dance to get a response. They might find you demanding, exhausting, overwhelming, with no ‘off’ switch.  Learn to give them time to process and think, and don’t expect it to be easy to talk things over. Respect their silences. Do not invade their space, and when they do speak up, pay attention.

If you are an introvert dealing with extroverts, you need to recognise their need for interaction, tolerate their need to verbalise, and help them to hear things from you. Ask them things, seek their opinion, talk issues over.

You might need some help to get to know yourself.  Here are two websites that make psychological tests available. They are fun, and  useful.  Spend some time with this: http://www.psychometrictest.org.uk/ or this: http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive

This post by Claire Shaw is reblogged from Guardian Professional, where Higher Ed experts on public speaking shared some  tips from vocabulary and technology to handling difficult questions – and  of course,  nerves.

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It’s not a sign of weakness to get nervous before speaking on stage, but what’s the best way to keep them under control?

1) Choose the vocabulary you use carefully. As Orwell argues, we shouldn’t use a phrase that is unusual, never use a longer word when a shorter one has the same meaning, never use a scientific phrase if an everyday example exists, and never include unnecessary words if the meaning of a shorter sentence remains the same. This also applies to writing too. If we are sure of our argument, why bury it in abstract terms? Clarity is vital, as even the most thorough research becomes meaningless if the results can’t be understood.

Avoid giving a presentation as if it is a verbal version of an academic paper . Use international English and cultural references that everyone can relate to.

The best presentations are clear, concise, reasonably jargon free and tell the story of your research. Some people are afraid that ‘easy to understand’ translates into ‘too simple’ and therefore not unique or worthy of them being invited to talk.

2) Nerves are fine, but work out a presentation strategy. Make an effort to locate four to six people at different strategic places in the audience: top-left, top-right, middle, etc, and move between them for the first few minutes, giving them lots of eye contact. It’s also useful to have your first few paragraphs really well rehearsed.

Holding on to the back of a chair or podium can work in opening minutes if your hands shake. Then as you warm up you let go and even move away, out closer to your audience. Nerves are what give you energy by getting the adrenalin flowing. Without them you will not do a good presentation.

Before you start to talk, pause, take a sip of water, look around the audience, smile and say thank you, then share a very short anecdotal story – these will buy you time to settle your nerves.

3) Move beyond using scripts. They can be useful in building confidence and developmental for the early scholar, but as that confidence grows so must the technique. If you do use a script, print it in a larger typeface, double spaced, making it easy for you to return your eye to the podium. Use wide margins to indicate slide changes and highlight points of emphasis so you can see them coming.

Gradually work towards using bullet points or cue cards as you work away from reading your paper. You need to be able to transition seemlessly. Nothing leaves you more flustered and your audience less impressed than not being able to find your place in the text that you’ve just spent three minutes meandering away from.

Don’t even try to read the copy you submitted to the proceedings. A good structure to follow is this: what is your unique and novel perspective/approach/findings? What experiences can you share? What are three take-home points?.

4) Decide whether an icebreaker is appropriate. Ice-breakers work for some and not for others. Unless you’re exceptionally charming, it’s important that any attention-grabbing anecdotes are relevant to the talk. Any offbeat attention-getters need to vary if there’s a chance of audience overlap.

5) Use visuals only if they add something. If you’re using PowerPoint, stand to the left of the slide to make sure you don’t obscure your points, and follow Weismann’s hockey stick principle, that audiences eyes scan the slide rather than read from left to right and top down.

Try to avoid using lots of words on text. Often the best presentations have mainly images/figures or diagrams on slides which the speaker can work the audience through. Think wisely about the images you display. Using photos of cute little pigs may work well in your country, but maybe not as well in Israel and the Muslim world.

Asking if you are being heard clearly instantly endears you to the audience and it’s something to ease you into speaking. You can also use the venue’s wifi, a hotspot from your iPhone, or a Bluetooth connection to remotely control the slide transitions on the iPad. This immediately frees you from the podium, which can give allow you to stand and move around with more comfort and confidence.

6) If you’re travelling, read up on the area. Swot up on geography, politics, culture, and basic facts. When you arrive, read the local press and watch some local TV. Ideally it’s also worth meeting up with the organisers and ask them questions and tips – this is really important if there’s a Q&A. It’s easy to get complacent coming from the UK, where everyone knows about your references, but how much do you know about theirs?

7) Improve by practicing. Make use of the free tutorials, websites and tips on communicating on the web, and do dry runs or warm-up gigs with students in class to practice. It’s also good to have an academic mentor who is willing to give you good and hard feedback when you need it. Peer mentoring can be helpful, but if there’s no provision for this at your institution you can always do it informally.

8) Deal with attacking questions by taking out the venom. It’s important to remember that when somebody ‘attacks’ the speaker or is nasty, the audience is automatically on the speaker’s side. Nobody likes to feel uncomfortable listening to a presentation and this is exactly what happens when the speaker is attacked. This is true whether the speaker has got something wrong or not.

Deal with difficult questions through humour, maintaining your cool, and sidelining (“come and talk to me after the presentation”), bouncing the question back to the questioner. It’s a bit naughty, but sometimes I’ll say, “that’s an excellent question. I wonder whether anyone else in the audience has a view on this?” .

For mischievous questioning, be straightforward and ask people to ‘bottom line’ their question. I think there is a responsibility to keep things on topic while not being afraid of new perspectives on material.

For off-topic questions, a one-sentence answer plus an offer to discuss afterwards is appropriate. Other useful phrases are: “that wasn’t the focus of this study but…”, “that’s a slightly different issue so”. For difficult questions, admit you don’t know the answer and explain why. Alternatively, make an educated guess. Always avoid being negative or defensive because then your ego seems to take over.

9) Take notes from other presenters. Think about what you liked and what could have been improved. (Jonathan Wilson). Play to your strengths, but remember being a great speaker has to be worked at and comes through more preparation and practice than people think. Aim to open people’s mind to something new. Think to yourself, why should my audience want to listen? Never underestimate the audience. This will ensure you are kept on your toes and put the work in to deliver the perfect presentation.

10) Don’t fear it, embrace it. If you’re not passionate about your presentation you have to question why you’re doing it in the first place. Don’t speak as though you wish you could be elsewhere, show some enthusiasm for your work. Even though enthusiasm may not be considered a prerequisite by all academics, adapting to the audience is as fundamental as engaging with them. Confidence is key. An unsure or timid presentation will not capture or engage an audience, and it certainly won’t motivate a tribe.

Related articles

• How You “Sound” Can Make or Break Your Event! (blogs.constantcontact.com)
• Speaking Science: How to reframe your speaker stress (eloquentwoman.blogspot.com)
• The Hook Technique of Powerpoint Presentations (universitywritinghelp.wordpress.com)

What can help? Why, speaking skills of course. Here’s some advice from Molly Bishop Shadel, professor of advocacy and public speaking at the University of Virginia School of Law. She is the author of “Finding Your Voice in Law School: Mastering Classroom Cold-Calls, Job Interviews, and Other Verbal Challenges” and “Tongue-Tied America: Reviving the Art of Verbal Persuasion.”

Though many people argue that technical skills will help job-seekers land gently in a new economy focused on services like health care and big data, there’s still one timeless skill that pays countless dividends: the ability to speak well.

I have been a lawyer at a leading law firm and for the Department of Justice, and now I am a law school professor. The people and students I’ve worked with who make a strong impression all have one thing in common — they present themselves well verbally.

Take, for example, one of our recent graduates. When he started law school, this student was markedly shy. But he realized that his success as a lawyer would depend on his ability to connect with other people, so he practiced and improved by enrolling in law classes involving public speaking.

Though jobs are few and far between, he got an offer by chatting up a well-known speaker after his talk at the law school. His ability to speak up — a skill that did not come naturally at first — made him stand out.

Verbal persuasion plays an important role in the career of any professional, and if you are just beginning yours, it becomes even more critical. Conventional wisdom holds that Americans are increasingly more comfortable communicating via email or Facebook, rather than in face-to-face conversations. If you can figure out how to speak well in a professional setting and learn when to stop by someone’s office instead of send an email, you can set yourself apart from peers who may be less comfortable with verbal interactions.

There are many reasons for mastering public speaking. Our culture equates intelligence with being well-spoken — look no further than President Barack Obama, whose speaking skills are legendary and helped launch him into the presidency at a relatively young age. If you can articulate your ideas out loud with clarity and polish, you are much more likely to land that prize job or impress a supervisor or teacher. And the experience of having people listen and respond positively when you talk builds confidence and the drive to speak up in the future.

You don’t have to be born knowing how to do this. Speaking well is a skill that anyone can learn. Here are three tips that good trial lawyers know:

1. Put yourself in the shoes of your audience. Think about what they already know and what they want to know. Give them a reason to listen to you — a hook to engage them. For example, if you are preparing for a job interview, have in mind a few select points that you plan to make during the course of the interview (you would be a great fit for the job because of your strong writing skills and your past experience in the field). Then practice articulating those points out loud so that you can say them clearly and without sounding phony.

2. Reach for short, succinct statements. Audiences have limited attention spans. If you habitually engage in verbal throat-clearing, your audience may have stopped listening before you get to the point. When you have made your point, stop talking. Don’t undercut the effectiveness of what you have said by trailing off (“so, that’s, uh, what I was thinking, I guess…”).

3. Watch your body language and vocal habits. We are more likely to believe you if your body language says you are confident about what you are saying. Look people in the eye when you speak. Don’t cross your arms or feet hold hands with yourself; instead, use open, expansive postures. Your voice should convey confidence as well — slow down, avoid “ums” and “you knows” and don’t turn statements into questions. (“The reason I want to work here? Is because it seems fun?”)

If you are lucky enough to still be in school, take a public speaking class. If you are graduating, that doesn’t mean that you should stop learning. Challenge yourself to hone your public speaking skills.

Reblogged from The Daily Progress 

Related articles

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To be an effective communicator, you have to be a good listener first. Take these key concepts on board:

• Attending: This means showing that you’re paying attention. You can do that by ensuring that your body language is open and that you’re facing your  audience, and by giving good eye contact. Also nod your head to show you’re listening, and provide minimal verbal cues such as uttering ‘uh, um’ at key points.

• Restating: If someone has said something particularly important, demonstrate your understanding by repeating it back – ‘So you’re saying you want me to finish this by Tuesday and give you a draft to take to the Executive meeting’

• Clarifying: If you’re not sure that you’ve understood something, ask for clarification – ‘So are you saying you want me to me to finish this by Tuesday and give you a draft to take to the Executive meeting ?’

• Summarising: When you’ve dealt with a lot of information, you can draw together the main threads to show that you’ve got the full story – ‘So we can’t manage the timeline we’d planned on and you’re worried about getting finished on time, so you want me to call the boss and see if we can renegotiate the delivery date.’

• Encouraging: To demonstrate that you want to listen and you want to hear more, use minimal encouragers to keep conversation flowing. For example, say something like ‘And then what happens?’ or ‘In what way?’ or simply ‘Go on.’

• Being quiet: Make sure that you don’t do all the talking. Give plenty of space for other to speak, and allow quiet times so others think about what they want to say next. Extraverts – while this is happening, make sure that you don’t get distracted and start trying to fill the silence up, but continue to attend physically. Introverts – remember to verbalise your views fully.

This is adapted from a Dummmies’ Guide  cheat sheet, and is  an excellent reminder that listening to others is just as important as presenting to them.Related articles

• Active Listening – A Skill That Everyone Should Master (lifehack.org)
• Are you listening? (synapticchange.wordpress.com)
• Active Listening Can Improve Communication In The Parent Child Relationship (momsopinions.wordpress.com)

Her  first draft  opened with excuses about the unseemliness of  drawing attention to herself. She blamed her Presbyterian missionary  grandparents. I blamed her. Self-promotion was not among her many gifts.  But at the end of  our  second run through, on stage in an empty hall,  she straightened up,  tidied her notes, and  said “I can do this”.  And she could.

Helen went  on to speak often, and well. Communication  was one of her  many gifts. Just a few weeks ago one of   her  palliative care nurses  told  her  that  Helen’s  oncology  session  changed the nurse’s life. Helen glowed. What a gift that young woman gave her. I’m sure she’s not the only one who could have.

Helen  was a doctor,  a wife,  a mother, a musician, and a fabulous friend.  She was  intelligent, warm,  kindhearted, gentle, amusing,  selfless, and  sharp, with a great eye for the ridiculous.

A physician in a family of  physicians, she had a unique perspective on cancer. In one of our last conversations she told me she’d had a dream run “with this”.  My  raised eyebrow sparked  a firm retort.  ”I could not have had any more support”.  Well Helen, it wasn’t hard.   You were always so  calm, so practical,  so un-needy. Your cancer drew people together around you. We  were closer because you were sick.  ”How rotten” I’d say. “These things just happen” you’d say. “Everybody gets something”.  I do wonder if in the darkness of the night  you ever felt  dread, sorrow,  fear,  worry,  loss. You never  shared  it. Perhaps  you  really were superwoman.

I didn’t expect  as much as two years to pass from that first speech to writing this.  Helen  lived  much longer than she’d hoped,  but  she  died on Tuesday morning, May 21st. I will miss her.

I’d like to remember her in her own words.

In May 2007 I was diagnosed with an advanced ovarian cancer (by myself – I even ordered my own scan, typical inappropriate doctor  behaviour), and 2 days later was in RPA having surgery, which successfully removed everything that was visible. The chemotherapy which followed also went well  and when it all finished in early October I was in remission, with normal tumour markers and a clear scan.

Obviously this was a fairly cataclysmic event – I was 53, very happily ensconced in a busy general practice, our two boys were 19 and 21, at university but still at home, we had just come out of a decade of looking after our mothers (who demented and died one after the other) and life was good.

Rather surprisingly, I wasn’t as shocked or overwhelmed by all this as I might have expected.

I think 20 years in GP means that you are very aware that random disasters happen  to completely normal people, and everyone gets something eventually.

So I didn’t find it particularly outrageous – and understanding the system meant that I didn’t have the anxiety that comes with being lost in a universe you don’t understand and can’t control, which happens to people who don’t have a health care background.

I was also aware that much progress had been made in ovarian cancer treatment since my medical student days, and that even if I wasn’t cured , it was likely that I was going to be well for a considerable time…

So we moved to the next stage – finally well after all the treatment, but with the knowledge that the chances of being alive in 5 years were about 20% (and 10 years much lower than that).

20% is a low enough number that you can’t reasonably assume that you’ll be fine and forget about it – and I didn’t see why it should be me in the 20% any more than it should be anyone else.

On the other hand you may be the person that gets lucky, so you also can’t throw your hands up and behave as though you’ll be dead in a year.

I found the uncertainty very difficult, and in some ways it was the most difficult time of all so far. I wasn’t very rational about it, and kept wanting to predict the unpredictable – was I going to be cured?

It was very clear that life wasn’t going to be the same – I wanted family time, I didn’t want to continue working as much as I had before, I wanted to travel and had a huge list of places I wanted to see.

So I dropped down to part-time work, and set about planning a trip to the High Arctic and Scandinavia, which we did in 2008, and a road trip up the west coast of Scotland, and the Orkneys which we did in 2009.

And I spent time with the friends I’d been too busy for, and who had just emerged from the woodwork as an amazing support network when I got sick.

Of course there are major logistical problems with this – you can plan all you like, but you never really know that something won’t happen to stop you. And now for some reason I can’t get travel insurance.

The plus side of the uncertainty, of course, is that you get much better at being in the moment, taking advantage of all opportunities to do things when you can, and REALLY noticing when things are wonderful. No more putting things off till next year because you didn’t get around to them or couldn’t fit them in.

The next thing that happened, not too surprisingly, was that the tumour markers (in the blood tests) started to rise slowly from the middle of 2009, and by the beginning of 2010 it was clear that I wasn’t going to be cured. Even then, I had 9 months before we needed to start chemotherapy again, which allowed me to

1. Do the Bay of Fires walk with good friends – something we’d been talking about for years

2. Go to London with my choir on a tour and singing at the opening of the 2010 Proms in the Royal Albert Hall and  in Westminster Abbey and St Paul’s Cathedral

3. Spend a week walking the Larapinta Track in Central Australia (and falling spectacularly down Mt Sonder – lots of blood, cracked cheek bone and spectacular black eye – who knew it was made of rock!)

The second lot of chemo bought me enough improvement to have 5 months off treatment – enough time time to visit the Kimberley, the Bungle Bungles and south-western WA in the wildflower season.

We started the 3rd lot of chemo in November 2011, just before our son’s wedding, but it didn’t prevent us going to Lord Howe for it, and I even still had hair.

The chemo has really not been too bad, and infinitely better than the TV/movie depiction – certainly no lying on the floor of the bathroom and vomiting. In fact we went to Kakadu for a few days in the middle of the first round. On 2 occasions I’ve had chemo during the day then fronted up to the Opera House to sing in the choir.

I made the decision to stop clinical work before the second lot of chemo – although the chemotherapy was perfectly tolerable, it does fry your brain and make you pretty tired, and I was aware that my focus, problem solving, and ability to keep multiple balls in the air was really not what it had been, and more chemo was only going to make it worse.

Which brings me back to the title of this talk: I wasn’t dead yet and what was I going to do. I still needed the meaning and structure and engagement with the world that your profession gives you, but didn’t feel I could continue taking responsibility for patient care.

Two things have kept me involved in the medical world

1. Taking small groups of medical students – an enormously rewarding activity (though I did struggle a bit with the workshops we ran with actors on breaking bad news!)

2. Doing occasional work on the NSW Medical Tribunal, hearing cases where doctors have been accused of professional misconduct. It’s been really interesting, feels useful, and allows me to dress up and go to work.

So coming to the present – I’m still here, probably have 6 – 12 months left, still functioning and enjoying myself, on and off chemotherapy.

I do think the medical background has helped. Very little surprises me (except that I REALLY don’t like needles and I’m not much good at discomfort either). I feel very much part of the decision making process (when I want to be – I’m rather inconsistent about it, which must make it difficult for everyone), and the care I’ve had has been absolutely wonderful.

In a rather bizarre way the process has been enormously interesting from a professional point of view. One of the key skills as a clinician is the ability to divide yourself in 2 – so the human part of you is connecting to the person you’re with, but there is a problem solving cerebral part which is looking at the issue from the outside, from what you might call the “helicopter position.”

I’m pretty sure I do this a lot. Very useful coping strategy!

So now looking back at all this (and I’ll reach the 5 year mark in May), although (to quote my daughter – in law), it does suck, I feel extraordinarily lucky, and so grateful to the advances in science which have given me this time (although I wouldn’t mind a magic bullet coming to cure it).

I’ve seen our elder son get into medical school, finish, start work as an intern, and get married to a lovely young woman. I’ve seen our  younger son graduate very well, negotiate his coming out, settle into a solid relationship with a fantastic young man and start a post-grad law degree.

I’ve made my wonderful husband Michael go with me to all sorts of places he didn’t want to go to.

So I feel I have an enormous amount to be grateful for, and encourage you to keep up the support for both the science and the care.

 Helen was passionate about improving research into Ovarian Cancer. Please give to her preferred charity: The Ovarian Cancer Research Foundation, to  save others like her.

Tearful politicians are  always newsworthy.  The last time we saw tears in Parliament  it was over asylum seeker  deaths  at sea.  Julia Gillard and Anna Bligh both  cried  over Queensland flood victims and it made headlines. Kevin Rudd choked back tears at the Black Saturday bushfires.  Hawke, Fraser, Obama,  Clinton (both of them) have all done it. Winston Churchill was a weeper, which, given his intellect, personality, alcohol consumption and the responsibility he bore, is no surprise.  Abraham Lincoln had tears in his rhetorical toolkit. So did Bill Clinton, Gordon Brown, and  Bob Hawke – to name just a few.  You can click on this link to see  the full catalogue.

We seem comfortable letting politicians tear up in the national interest, but we’re not so impressed when the tears are for their own career.  Going down gracefully is a skill no-one wants to master but it does you good if you can manage it. Kevin Rudd wept when he lost power. So did Joe Hockey. John Howard didn’t, and neither did Paul Keating. Then again, when a stiff back cracks it’s both poignant and confronting .  Malcolm Fraser in defeat astonished us with a tear, and even Margaret Thatcher was moist in the car leaving Number 10 for the last time.  Maybe they had feelings after all.

Back in 1901 The Hobart Mercury ran a piece suggesting it is a national trait:  “The House of Commons has always been emotional – not extravagantly or violently, as a rule, but with restraint and dignity, characteristic …of the nation of which it is the heart”. The article describes the tears of Castlereagh, Gladstone and Pitt, and compares their restraint  to the French Chamber of Deputies where “transports of joy, anger and grief are like epidemics of hysteria”.

As Enid Lyons, our first female MP put it: “Everything that takes place in this chamber goes out somewhere to strike a human heart, to influence the life of some fellow being”. Prime Minister Gillar’s tears remind us of the truth of that.

The problem is,  this  doesn’t reduce tension, if anything, it escalates it. Issues become bigger, resentment grows, people become hurt, disengaged, angry or  feel powerless to solve their problems.

A reluctance to deal with conflict  constructively  is hugely detrimental to business. Good ideas remain unspoken, people create silos, and leaders don’t get the information they need because everyone is afraid to bring up potentially contentious issues.

Mishandling conflict also wreaks havoc on relationships. Have you ever been around someone who was frustrated or angry, but doesn’t want to talk about it? They ooze resentment.  If they are loud and ‘complainey’ they aren’t very nice to be near either.

In People Skills, a classic text ,  Robert Bolton describes  twelve  common communication barriers. These “roadblocks” include making assumptions about people,  diagnosing, judging and labelling, and finding solutions for them. They  mostly occur because people underestimate the importance of listening.  Bolton  explains how acquiring the ability to listen, assert yourself,  and work out problems with others by using the correct words,  will help you build rapport,  maintain self-esteem and  be able to repair  relationships.

One  of  Bolton’s most important messages is that to defuse a tense situation,  both sides need to have have been heard.  If you imagine two people each have a bucket  and one empties theirs over the other, the person whose bucket is empty feels great, but it’s pretty awful for the person who’s covered in muck.

If you handle a confrontation well, no-one should  be covered in  muck. You can only sort out a misunderstanding  or resolve a disagreement   if  you’re both willing to  hear what the other person has to say.

So here’s how to make it work:

1. LISTEN.  There is often a dislocation between what you said  and what they heard. Set aside your assumptions. Hear the other person out and let them know you’ve done so, before you step in with questions or start defending yourself. Listen for more than facts. Try to determine what the other person is feeling by paying attention to his/her non-verbal messages. Check it out with the other person: “What is really going on here?” “You sound angry. Is it because of something I said?” Repeat back to the person what you think he/she said. Verifying what you meant will prevent misunderstandings and will ensure that you are both clear about the issues.

2. COMMUNICATE assertively. This means stating your wants and needs in a respectful and honest manner, while recognizing that the other person also has legitimate wants and needs too.  Use “I” messages, assuming responsibility for how you feel,  not  blaming or accusing. It is never alright  to say “you always do …”  or  ”you make me feel …”,  not if  you genuinely want  to sort the disagreement out.

3. TOLERANCE and respect. Try to wear  the other person’s shoes. Consider his/her viewpoint. Ask yourself: “What does she want?” “What might he be afraid of?” Adopt the position that people aren’t purposefully trying to be mean, hurtful, difficult, etc. Their behavior reflects their way of protecting themselves from getting hurt, feeling anxious, etc. They may not know how to communicate effectively to resolve conflict.

4. FOCUS on the issue. Describe specific behaviour that is creating problems. Do it impartially, don’t label, judge or evaluate people, and don’t focus on personality characteristics or  bring in unrelated matters that will increase the conflict. If you find things  getting worse, agree to come back and discuss the problem at a later time – when you both have had a chance to calm down and get focused.

5. EXPECT  THE POSITIVE. An attitude of “He’s so unreasonable. We won’t be able to settle anything.” is  self-fulfilling. Thinking in this way will almost guarantee that you act and communicate in a way that the conflict won’t be resolved satisfactorily. Instead, tell yourself “We can work this out. We are both rational, mature people.” “She’s not trying to make my life difficult. We can work this out if we really listen to each other.”

Thats a lot to take on board, but the book  itself  gives you detailed scripts  and cues you can use.

How to start?  I suggest you “Ban the BUT”.   Try getting through a  whole day at work saying ‘AND’ instead.  ”I appreciate what you’re saying and ….. ” or “I understand what you’re saying and ….. or “That’s a good point and …..”  Rather than negating what the other person said (as the word “but”  does), by using the  ”and” you  link to what they have said in order to express your point of view.  You have to really listen to the other person before you can make  your  point. It’s  an effective way to express an opinion without creating resistance or conflict. Try it, it works.

By being more aware of the words that you use, you  can build rapport with the other person, acknowledging their point of view and creating an environment of mutual respect.

Much  of the above is adapted from this pamphlet:Resolving Conflict.

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It was a robust  formula, and  still  today these three are  the foundation skills that pop up in any speaking  or sales trining program.

Let’s think of them as “the three c’s”: Credibility, Connection, Content.

• Ethos is the credibility (or character) of the speaker. You are plausible because of who you are, your position, background, or what you know.
• Pathos is the emotional connection to the audience. Another term for it is rapport. With their emotions engaged people are motivated to follow or agree with you.
• Logos is the logical argument – or content.

One of the issues you need to manage is which of the ‘three Cs’ is best for the job at hand. This varies depending on the occasion and the relationship you have with your audience.

If for example, you are an expert on something, when you speak on that subject you are basing your presentation on ethos. (note however that the presentation itself may be laden with logos – facts and information logically presented). Perhaps you belong to a certain group and by speaking in public you help raise money for this group. That’s ethos. When you tell your kids “Because I say so!” that’s ethos.

Motivational speakers, politicians and sales people depend heavily on pathos. When you leave a presentation feeling inspired, galvanised, changed, ready to act or to buy something, your emotions have been engaged. It’s the key to all successful ‘sales’, whether you’re selling an idea, a product a policy or yourself.

Logos is going to dominate when the primary aim is to transfer information. Professional and business settings, teaching, lectures, conference papers and certain professional interchanges (pilot to cabin crew, surgeon to theatre nurse, client to broker, client to lawyer), require you to convey clear, well structured, logical information without much else.

Every day you are unconsciously shifting gear, changing from one mode to another and blending and adjusting these different approaches according to the situation. Different types of speeches have different types of content, but you will find that you need to have all three types mixed in there somewhere, if you are going to do well.

Looked at a different way, you need to consider whether you want your communication to be primarily informative, persuasive or entertaining. The ‘ingredients’ in the ‘recipe’ will change accordingly. It’s shown here as a venn diagram because in reality a blend of all three qualities is what you almost always need to use.

Inform, clarify

Informative communication reveals or clarifies something.  The aim is to convey the facts – not much more.  Purely informative speaking is quite rare.  If you give procedural instructions,  announce sports or election results, or read a list of names, that’s informative speaking.

In informative speaking it’s important that you are aware of what the audience knows already, and make that your starting point. Your job is to move them through to a new level of awareness by building on the information they already have.

The big danger is the dryness of the material. Facts facts facts ….. It’s easy to find yourself in Dullsville, and then people don’t listen. The challenge is to present your information in a way that is stimulating and engaging. For this you’ll need to include some elements from the other two realms. Numbers need to be given a context, the audience needs to be told what it means and why they should care.

Persuade, motivate

Persuasion means to convince, alter a belief, or get someone do something you want them to do.  Parents and managers speak persuasively almost all the time.  Requests, instructions and directions that get  people  doing what you want are the stuff of your life.  Persuasion is the magic ingredient in any case where you want your listeners to change their thinking and behaviour. To be persuasive you need to provide a compelling reason for people to follow you.  Emotional appeal and logic will be your tools.  You need:

• Facts – the truth of the situation (statistical evidence, costs, timing, data)
• Values  – reasons and a justification as to why this is the best or the right thing to do
• Policy – an idea of what action to take, which solution is best and how it can be justified.

There is a considerable body of research and literature about the art of persuasion.

Entertain, engage

By ‘entertain’ I don’t mean standup comedy. Entertainment in this context means ‘enjoyable’.  You need at least an element of entertainment in a speech to relax the audience, make them feel well disposed to you and  create rapport.

A memorable speaker can be the highlight of a special occasion. These occasions usually honour something or someone, or mark a change in someone’s life, an achievement, or the beginning or end of something.  These occasions emphasise the identities and values that unite the people present and make them part of one group.  The speech is a way of saying ‘there are things that we share’.

These speeches should delight an audience. Use your personality, your life experience and your sense of humour to make everybody in the room feel good. Be sure to use the language that your audience expects and understands. Avoid jargon and in-jokes except if all the members of your audience understand it. Use jokes but only kind ones never make fun of anyone.  Find the human-interest angle.  Tell a story whenever you can.

Related articles

• Three Pillars of Public Speaking 
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In the quiet period, don’t let your skills dry up. Here are five reasons to find an excuse – any excuse – to speak in public. Today.

5. Practice

The single most useful thing for you to do as a speaker is stay in practice. Practice keeps your brain in gear and is an opportunity to practice everything you work on. No matter how confident you feel in your own skills, getting out of practice means you risk having to re-learn them.

4. Spontaneity

Speaking today will mean you don’t have a lot of time to prepare. That means what you say will have to be off the cuff and from the heart. There’s no way to get better at spontaneous speaking than speaking spontaneously. It’s not something you can do without doing, regularly. And whether you’re a competitive debater, or speaker facing the impromptu rounds, or a professional who may be called on to introduce a colleague or step in for a presentation, it’s worth feeling comfortable on the spot.

3. Current Affairs knowledge

Making a speech today means you’ll  read  the news or check in on twitter,  just to have something to say, and some  link to make your speech relevant. Knowing what’s happening in the world and  connecting it to what you want to talk about is a skill that all public speakers from all walks of life would do well to hone. You don’t need to be an expert, but just know the headlines. Click on Google News if it’s not already part of your daily routon

2. Getting over the fear

Any fear in public speaking is totally and completely natural. Fear of public speaking is very common, and can affect you even if you’re not somebody who gets stage fright. Many international-standard public speakers can find that by “getting cocky” and falling out of practice, they make their first return-to-stage feel much more daunting than it has to be. Routinely forcing yourself to face an audience means you don’t build them up in your head as a scary hurdle; instead, you face them regularly, and stay practiced at controlling your nerves. Plus, the more positive interactions you can have with an audience, the less likely you are to be afraid of one! It’s the same therapy cognitive therapists use to help people get over a fear of bugs, or heights, or planes. If you encounter the thing a lot of times, and each of those times, nothing goes wrong, you’re not so likely to be afraid!

1. Knowing your voice and your body

“Stage awkwardness” is something you’ll be surprised to encounter if you get rusty. Whereas routine practice keeps your voice and body well-oiled and comfortable on stage, not speaking means when you go back to it, you’ll feel lead-limbed and peculiar on stage. Your hands – which you know perfectly well how to control in daily conversation – will feel like unnatural weights and your voice will be unaccustomed to what you’re asking of it. Feeling like you don’t belong on stage is hard to shake and will make it difficult to get your message across.

What should I make a speech about?

Anything at all! Find an opportunity. Is there a meeting you can open? A lunchtime committee that needs organising? An occasion  that you can make an announcement at? Don’t feel shy about asking – it’s not about hogging the limelight, after all, you want to do the speaking well!

If those aren’t options for you, there’s no reason it has to be that serious: ask your parents or spouse or child to open a dictionary of proverbs and give you a phrase like “the black sheep” or “a stitch in time”, then just riff!

Think of it this way: practice never made anybody worse.

My thanks to EGS for this post.

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