Speak for Yourself
Claire Duffy's blog about public speaking and communication (in real life). Speak well, do well!
How to say Sorry. Properly.
Like the five stages of grief, the disgrace of a public figure has a trajectory. Being caught leads to outrage, silence, dismissal, denial, and finally (if they can’t avoid it) admission and apology. And like all falls-from-grace, there will be lessons for us ordinary folk to learn from their experience.
This was the most sought-after interview in sport. A vast public has been waiting for Lance Armstrong to explain, admit, and apologise for the doping scandal that’s had him stripped of his seven Tour de France titles, and banned from sport for life. With the apologies out of the way, we’d be happy to see him rehabilitate himself. [If you weren’t watching, you can see the highlights here.]
But it didn’t work out that way. In the words of John Kador, author of Effective Apology:
An effective apology means giving up your argument with history. It means letting the victims have the last word. But throughout the interview, Armstrong displayed a constant need to have the last word for himself. It’s clear that he is not quite ready to do the heavy lifting of apology.
Armstrong did confess. He admitted what he did, and it was shocking. Acknowledging the harm he’s done should have been highly potent. But he didn’t do the one thing everyone wanted. “He failed to apologize directly to all the people who believed in him, all the cancer survivors and cycling fans who thought his fairy-tale story was true,” as the New York Times wrote. “Not once did he look into the camera and say, without qualification, ‘I’m sorry.'”
Instead he said “I’m not the most believable guy in the world right now”. Good insight Lance. Then why are you doing this? Because without emotional truth your apology has no power. The words without the feeling are counterfeit. And that’s why the public feels cheated. It’s like discovering you’ve accepted a dud cheque.
Why apologising is hard
You don’t need to be a disgraced international sports hero to have trouble with this. In all but the closest relationships apologies are rare. Saying sorry in the domestic, business or community context can be just as awkward as in the public sphere.
It’s hard to say that we messed up – our pride stops us. If we did something cruel or careless, we feel embarrassed. Apologising can stir up unpleasant feelings of distress about what happened. And if we did something wrong, the other person probably did too. Sometimes we’re still mad at them. Status, position, credibility, and self-esteem all interrupt our wish to make it better. And as suing gains popularity, apologising loses it. The business culture of “cover your ass” means we don’t say ‘sorry’ in case admitting guilt will lead us to a law suit.
How to say sorry properly
Apologies do matter. They do two things, says the Harvard Business Review. “First, they mend relationships. When an offense has torn the fabric of a relationship, an apology is a stage in its repair. Second, apologies mend the transgressor’s reputation. Following an offense, some people …may have concerns and doubts …. An effective apology can reassure people that the transgression is understood and not likely to be repeated”.
Kador says there are ‘5 Rs’ to an effective apology: recognition, responsibility, remorse, restitution and repetition.
Like any communication, to make an apology you need to be clear about what matters to your audience, and what you want to communicate. What’s gone wrong? Why? What outcome do you want as a result of the apology?
You may have to apologise because of your role, rather than for something you’ve done personally. This happens to CEOs and politicians, and is the domain of crisis communication consultants and professional advisors. Get their help – they can help you with your script and support you through the difficulties.
Timing is important. Are you ready? Sure you’re up to it? The lesson from Lance is that if you don’t mean it, you may make things worse.
And then there’s the language. Even if your heart wants to say ‘sorry’, working out the words to use will be a challenge. Consider the right tone and language for your audience. What you say to your family is going to be different from what you’d say to your colleagues, boss, staff, neighbours or acquaintances.
An apology needs these three things:
1. Acknowledgment of the fault. A description of what you did that was wrong and what ‘code’ was broken. When you explain, avoid making excuses or justifying yourself, it’s important to show your reasons for doing what you did, but also to own your mistakes.
2. Regret. The healing begins when the wronged person senses your emotion is honest. To say sorry properly, you have to mean it. Time’s list of the ten best apologies – mostly celebrities who need to repair their reputations for PR reasons, is chock full of formulaic insincerity – a great guide to what not to do.
3. An offer of reparation: Finding a way to make good will mean a lot to the offended person or group.
Related articles
- Watch: Lance Armstong Admits to Doping (abcnews.go.com)
- Lance Armstrong’s doping confession. Why does nobody saya sorry properly any more?
- http://abcnews.go.com/US/lance-armstrong-lied-oprah-cover-crimes-investigators/story?id=18245484&page=2
- Lance Armstrong admits to Oprah that he doped
- Initial Thoughts on Lance Armstrong’s Admission Interview with Oprah (bungalowbillscw.blogspot.com)
- Lance Armstrong’s doping confession – why does no one say sorry properly any more? (blogs.telegraph.co.uk)
- Irish masseuse Emily O’Reilly rejects attempted apology from Lance Armstrong -VIDEO (irishcentral.com)
- Lance Armstrong admits doping: ‘I’m a flawed character’ (newsday.com)
- Lance Armstrong Confession: Cyclist Admits Doping During Oprah Interview (huffingtonpost.com)
